Indian Matchmaking explained on a graph
Sitting on the couch on a beautiful day in Mumbai, my parents ask me the question that probably every young Indian out there despises, “Beta, when do you plan to get married?”.
I had just finished my MBA that fall and was visiting home after a year to meet the family and complete my visa formalities. I was to move to Amsterdam and fulfill my childhood dream of selling my soul to a corporate. But, but, more importantly, for my parents, I was soon turning 30! Yes, the big number after which even Bumble concerningly asks “Beta, when do you plan to get married?”.
The question wasn’t going to go away, and surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to ignore it. So, much like a Bollywood actress, I sheepishly gave a go ahead.
And just like that started the Great Indian Matrimony show at my house. My mother picked an app that was specific to our culture (not the highly advertised Shaadi.com or Bharat Matrimony) and within 24 hours all the devices in our house hosted the app. So whenever a family member would get bored, the iPad was picked and a potential bride was found for me.
Fast forward to today, I’ve now spent 6 months on the app, and below’s my account of it that I hope you like. (If you can relate, even better, do comment.)
Note — The below is not just my observation but from surveys conducted with multiple men and women who’ve gone through the process. It’s written from the opposite gender’s point of view.
So let’s begin by plotting this experience on a graph. Let’s consider the X-axis to be the Time you spend on the matrimonial website/app and the Y-axis to be your Expectations of the bride/groom you’re searching for.
Note — On the matrimony app you either send your interest to a person you like OR receive interest from someone that you can accept or decline.
Typically, a person would begin day 1 on the website expecting to receive interest from a Ranbir Kapoor.
Why Ranbir you ask?
- Handsome, Tall
- Went to a fine New York acting school
- Earns well in life
- Comes from a well-cultured family
Checks off all boxes for the daughter as well as the parents.
So with that in mind, you set the desired filters and begin browsing the shiny new app for hours together in search of him. You soon realize that there aren’t many who fit the criteria in the first place. But you manage to shortlist a few based on pictures and then go through their profile with a fine-tooth comb judging if the person will match you well. At this stage let the time spent on each profile be X; X is highest at this point. Once convinced, you send them an interest, awaiting their response every minute after it.
But alas, the Ranbirs decline it within the day. Meanwhile, interests are coming in for you from other men. But to your dismay, the ones sending are seldom Ranbir and more Ranjeet (Aye!). You look at them and immediately reject.
Days go by and matching up with a Ranbir seems unlikely. So you start re-calibrating your expectations slowly.
The next phase comes when you wake up one day and think to yourself, “You know what, I’m comfortable with a Shahid Kapoor too.”
- Looks good
- Earns well
- Great dancer
Would also make your Instagram wedding stories a hit!
So you start searching proactively for the Shahids on the platform. They’re a little more easily available than the Ranbirs. You shortlist some and comb through their profile. The time you spend on a profile has now become X/2, and you’re sending out interests with more intent and purpose. Some accept your interest, some don’t. But hey, you’ve now at least moved on to the next phase, chatting. Fun!
As soon as the first “Hi” comes in, just like Uday Chopra’s character in the movie Dhoom, you start picturing the two of you going on dates, getting married, adopting a dog together, etc.
But that level of enthusiasm so early you know is creepy and so you reply with a modest “Hello, how are you?” secretly hoping that when he responds he’ll have the voice of a Benedict Cumberbatch and vocabulary of a Shashi Tharoor. But, within the first two messages, your bubble bursts as none of it turns out to be true.
“Arrghhh nooo!”, you yell out angrily, figuring out ways to end the short-lived connect and move on to the next. On the other hand, interests continue coming in for you from other men but they’re no Shahids so you reject them straight up.
This continues for a few months. Your hopes are still alive though and you know a match will happen soon.
But sadly, time’s not on your side and you’ve now reached the point on the graph that I call the ‘Parental short-circuit’. Up until now, your parents were happily letting you respond with a ‘No’ to each interest coming in but at this stage, their patience has run out, and now rejecting a guy isn’t going to be easy for you. Your expectation, subconsciously, takes a bit of a nose dive here.
Time goes by and after a few more weeks/months of unsuccessful encounters you finally say to yourself, “ Listen, Varun Dhawan’s not bad either”.
- Looks good
- …
And luckily a couple of Varuns have already sent their interests to you, so you don’t have to search for them. You accept their interest, start a conversation and end up liking one, enough to meet him in person.
But as charming as he looks, the overacting and poor mimicry just ticks you off on the first date.
DECLINE!
But hold on now. It’s been more than a year and a half since you started your search. You’ve exhausted most options and your vigor. All of your chuddy buddies have also tied the knot by now. And if that wasn’t enough, pados wale Sharmaji ki beti ki bhi shaadi ho gayi hai. Now the situation’s become grim and you realise you don’t need much but just a nice person who you’d enjoy spending time with.
This is what I call the “Saturation Vortex”. It’s the line where exhaustion meets new-found wisdom. It’s when you’re going to be 100 times more open in accepting and having a conversation with the next person that sends you an interest. This person could very well not be a Ranbir, Shahid, or a Varun but hey, since when is Rajkumar Rao a bad match? He may not be everything you wanted but is possibly everything that you needed to make your life beautiful and entertaining.
And so post the saturation vortex lies the holy ‘Point of Matrimony’.
You may wonder what’s so unique about this. Let me explain.
Each person on the app, whether a boy or a girl, has a very similar thought process when it comes to the search for ‘the one’. They’re all to the most extent a Rajkumar Rao wanting a Kareena Kapoor. But what’s key to note is that each person, at a given point in time, is at a different spot on the curve as compared to where you are at that time. You may have spent months on the app and crossed the saturation vortex but the other person has just started their search and is at the peak of their expectations where he won’t see you for who you are and what he needs but instead for what he wants. And that is why the two of you don’t match. It is only when you meet someone who’s also crossed the saturation vortex much like you, you’ve got yourself a match!
So enjoy the process. Know that the rejections coming in are not a reflection of how you look, how you dress, or how you speak but a mere result of where the other person is in their journey.
Happy search!
